@robwhisman

ageism fascinates me because it’s the only ism with this built-in inevitable irony. like, no racist gradually changes into a hispanic

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@clichedout

me: can i buy u a drink

girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot

me:

girl:

me: can u buy me a drink

@Darlainky

Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.

Canada: Let’s keep it that way.

@UncleDuke1969

[office]

Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.

@UnFitz

[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.

@KateWouldHaveIt

My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position

@leechee420

Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”

@WhaJoTalkinBout

I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.

@TweetsByKaylee

[on the 7th day]

Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?

God: yeah totally harmless little dude

Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?

God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy