Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
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I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
hey, alexa
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep