Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
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Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to