@PatsATweetin

Agent: I have a script for you.

Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?

Agent: Yes.

Radcliffe: I’ll do it.

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@donni

Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.

@CatherineinAL

“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.

I have no idea what I’m doing.

@WigCannon

What if the missing plane is still up there?
“What?”
Did you check the sky?
“No.”
See, this is why you’ll never advance, Kevin.

@dafloydsta

[about to be murdered]

ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*

MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.

@RidiculousSheri

I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.

@Bluestmoon_

Sorry I asked “why?” when you told me your baby’s name.

@dadopotamus

“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”

*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.

@Skoog

her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting

me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?

her: adderall