Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
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THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.