They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
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A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Feels
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.