* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
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Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?