Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS

your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.

How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.

Nothing, it was on the house.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts

Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.

For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.

Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary

Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.

Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what

We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.

College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years

Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.

We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.

my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..

I’ve started listening to audiobooks and I have to say it’s much easier than listening to physical books.

[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?

ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met

WIFE: It was amazing

ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan

[8am, phone rings]

Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.

Me: No worries, I have vodka.

My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.

5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.

Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?

[restaurant]

waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?

me: no but I know how to order food

When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.

My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.

Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed

When your parents check you’re ok.

My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.

I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.

My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now

Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.

After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard

Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.