Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.

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Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.

Him: Well, how’d you do that?

Me: I kept my mouth shut..


Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.


1. Secretly take a bunch of pictures of someone you see everyday but barely know
2. Friend request them on FB
3. Tag them in 238 photos


One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?


ok I need you to step out of the car


Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.

*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*

*I go outside and swing on the swingset*


Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”


Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.


ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.


Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.


The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.