Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
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The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
channeling her this year
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings