5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
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If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what