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If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning