Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
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Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….