Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
You Might Also Like
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Good point.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?