@ValeeGrrl

Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.

You Might Also Like

@nayele18maybe

Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.

@rebrafsim

HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!

HIM:

HER:

HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours

@ObscureGent

I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.

@markydoodoo

GF: that spoon is still dirty

ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher

GF: I can see the mayo on it

ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now

@RoobsC

My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude

Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?

@oxygenplug

“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”

“Juicy Juice”

“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”

“Juicy. Juice.”

@darkmatter_wimp

I’m on a new diet where all I eat is soup on weekdays. It’s called: Miso Hungry.

@KenJennings

SERIOUS TWEET: help I just put on hand lotion and now I can’t get out of this room

@JohnnyCrash5

If my dog barks at you we can’t be friends, also, I hate you too.