Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
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One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.