Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
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HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
I’m on a new diet where all I eat is soup on weekdays. It’s called: Miso Hungry.
SERIOUS TWEET: help I just put on hand lotion and now I can’t get out of this room
If my dog barks at you we can’t be friends, also, I hate you too.