@SortaBad

Ah St Patrick’s Day I better eat some Irish food
*pours self bowl of Lucky Charms*

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@portmanteauface

Teacher: don’t do drugs, kids

Also teacher: here’s a kaleidoscope, go listen to songs about dragons

@thenoahkinsey

If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!

@sad_saurus

Wife: Why are you wearing that?

Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué

Wife: You mean risqué?

Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right

@DamienFahey

13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline

@thepaulasuzanne

My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.

Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.

My Son: It’s really fancy!

Me: It’s the best!

~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty

@sixfootcandy

Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.

@norm

Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.

@HatfieldAnne

Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”

@Reverend_Scott

DAD: Your mother and I love you very much, and I’m not sure how to tell you this, but… you’re adopted.

DOG: OMG THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE