Ah St Patrick’s Day I better eat some Irish food
*pours self bowl of Lucky Charms*

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Me: Come home soon baby, I’m dressed like Leia..

Him: So turned on, I am..

Me: If you show up dressed like Yoda it’s not happening


do you qualify to be my crush? *pulls out list* *checks off has a beating heart* yup you qualify


Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.


I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.


*at snowman mortuary*
Ma’am was your husband’s wish to be liquified or broken into chunks and thrown at the people he hated?


Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.

Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.


HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”


I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.


Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.


Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.