@SortaBad

Ah St Patrick’s Day I better eat some Irish food
*pours self bowl of Lucky Charms*

You Might Also Like

@SaraMansford

{Text}

Me: Come home soon baby, I’m dressed like Leia..

Him: So turned on, I am..

Me: If you show up dressed like Yoda it’s not happening

@teenpuke

do you qualify to be my crush? *pulls out list* *checks off has a beating heart* yup you qualify

@MMFlint

Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.

@JB4Realz

I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.

@ewfeez

*at snowman mortuary*
Ma’am was your husband’s wish to be liquified or broken into chunks and thrown at the people he hated?

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.

Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.

@SkinnerSteven

HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”

@JasonLastname

I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.

@TheNuttyKiwi

Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.

@shutupmikeginn

Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.