I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
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Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot