Ah St Patrick’s Day I better eat some Irish food
*pours self bowl of Lucky Charms*

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The lord spoke and said “let there be light” and there was light.

Lucifer spoke and said “let there be darkness” and there was darkness.

Death spoke and said “let there be soft mood lighting with a slow jam playing” and Death got laid.


Please please please please please please please…

-me, flushing someone else’s toilet


Me: you want some trail mix?

Friend: yeah sure!

Me: *starts beatboxing*


[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?


Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.



I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.

Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…


‘No Panties Tuesday’ is a thing, right?

Or AKA, I really need to do some laundry.


I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.


Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.

Me: That’s a cam-

Wife: …

Me: Yes. Yes they do.