Ah St Patrick’s Day I better eat some Irish food
*pours self bowl of Lucky Charms*

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Teacher: don’t do drugs, kids

Also teacher: here’s a kaleidoscope, go listen to songs about dragons


If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!


Wife: Why are you wearing that?

Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué

Wife: You mean risqué?

Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right


13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline


My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.

Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.

My Son: It’s really fancy!

Me: It’s the best!

~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty


Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.


Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.


Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”


DAD: Your mother and I love you very much, and I’m not sure how to tell you this, but… you’re adopted.