Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
You Might Also Like
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Become a minion. Get that bread.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
can I use a minion as a tampon
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.