Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
You Might Also Like
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
No one told me that by encouraging my kid to play soccer I’d also be encouraging him to kick everything and anything he can possibly get his foot on regardless of time, space, location and roundness.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
Sometimes American Magic is the only way to go.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…
“Constant super-vision”
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes