Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
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Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
God, I love Scotland
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please