AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
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Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.