Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
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Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.