Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
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Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.