we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
You Might Also Like
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
✌️
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”