ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
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Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
The Birdles
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!