@cavaticat

ah yes, the Supreme Court

a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream

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@mom_ontherocks

No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now

@prufrockluvsong

Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*

Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE

@ClichedOut

I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.

@not_delicate

Him: (sobbing) just tell me why you’re leaving me

Me: I’m just not ready for a serious relationship

Him: but… we’re married

Me: yeah I gotta go

@Reverend_Scott

Always bring a stopwatch to church, guys.

You want the girl that spends the longest amount of time in confession.

@iNusku

Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.

@sixfootcandy

Customs: Open your bag please. Ma’am, your suitcase smells like marijuana.

Me: I know! Don’t even get me started on the 2 pounds I have shoved up my rectum.

@anerdonfire2

It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get

@deviledlegs

The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.