@cavaticat

ah yes, the Supreme Court

a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream

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@mrjohndarby

[being eaten alive by cannibals]

cannibal: is he… joining in?

@jonnysun

INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich

@TweetPotato314

me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel

also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti

@Adar79Angie

I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”

@CakeThrottle

If you own a small, anti-Kindle bookstore and it’s not called Page Against the Machine, just give up.

@stevevsninjas

customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames

@yonewt

Listening to “Bad Company” by Bad Company from their album “Bad Company” how do they come up with this stuff

@crazylikeanox

I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator

@better_off_dad

HR: Know why we called you down?

Me: Hmm…my trench coat?

HR: Try again.

Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?