ah yes, the Supreme Court

a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream

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[being eaten alive by cannibals]

cannibal: is he… joining in?


INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich


me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel

also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti


I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”


If you own a small, anti-Kindle bookstore and it’s not called Page Against the Machine, just give up.


customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames


Listening to “Bad Company” by Bad Company from their album “Bad Company” how do they come up with this stuff


I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator


HR: Know why we called you down?

Me: Hmm…my trench coat?

HR: Try again.

Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?