ah yes, the Supreme Court

a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream

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No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now


Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*

Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE


I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.


Him: (sobbing) just tell me why you’re leaving me

Me: I’m just not ready for a serious relationship

Him: but… we’re married

Me: yeah I gotta go


Always bring a stopwatch to church, guys.

You want the girl that spends the longest amount of time in confession.


Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.


Customs: Open your bag please. Ma’am, your suitcase smells like marijuana.

Me: I know! Don’t even get me started on the 2 pounds I have shoved up my rectum.


It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get


The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.