@LostFelicia

Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*

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@BobLoblaw143637

Lying on my bed struggling to squeeze into jeans

The dog comes in to show emotional support

… followed by the cat,
who came to judge.

@AnniemuMary

Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.

@alexlumaga

Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes

Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?

Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?

Cashier: Limes

Me: The other one, the dead body one

@mofrorock

Personal ad: Handsome man (29), seeks short, open minded women to poke him in the eye with umbrellas. Busy streets only. No names please.

@ohen39

me: I’m gonna spend valentine’s day alone
doctor: no you’re not
me: *blushing* are you asking me out?
doctor: no. you’re dying

@SissiSay

Psychiatrists say girls tend to marry men like their fathers. That is probably the reason mothers cry at weddings.

@WhitneyCummings

Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.

@Cpin42

My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole