Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
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(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.