Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
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Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
where the womens at?
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
😂🤣😂🤣
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”