“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”

(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)

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A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.


Sit down and let me tell you a story.

Once Upon A Time……last night……I had a few drinks and……borrowed your credit card.


No matter how adorable you think your young son is, it’s best you not refer to him as a “lady killer”, it might end up being true.


1997 middle school me learning about Rome: But how could such a developed and rich society collapse so suddenly?

2017 me: oh


Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from your neighbor’s house is genius.


I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone


Landlocked countries with beach volleyball teams: who do you think you’re fooling?


Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry

Her: ok

Waiter: good evening

Me: good evening Barry