@AimeeHelene1

“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”

(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)

You Might Also Like

@TheAlexNevil

A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.

@_NTFG_

Sit down and let me tell you a story.

Once Upon A Time……last night……I had a few drinks and……borrowed your credit card.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

No matter how adorable you think your young son is, it’s best you not refer to him as a “lady killer”, it might end up being true.

@lisaxy424

1997 middle school me learning about Rome: But how could such a developed and rich society collapse so suddenly?

2017 me: oh

@stephpaulus

Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from your neighbor’s house is genius.

@papasuncle

I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone

@KenJennings

Landlocked countries with beach volleyball teams: who do you think you’re fooling?

@mrjohndarby

Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry

Her: ok

Waiter: good evening

Me: good evening Barry