@AimeeHelene1

“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”

(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)

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@omgthatspunny

A squirrel needs about two pounds of acorns a week to survive. That’s nuts!

@inanimatecorpse

Wife: I said any fantasy, I wore the police uniform! Isn’t that enough?

Me: Say the words

Wife: Ok… sir, I have bad news about your wife

@KeetPotato

this is the worst weather ive ever seen
“what about when the wind had sharks in it?”
that was a movie dad
“oh excuse me weather expert”

@JKNenagh

a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!

@slackerjorge

In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.

Sure like to know that story

@PJTLynch

I wrote a less creepy, and more helpful, variation of “Baby It’s Cold Outside”

@KeetPotato

[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”

@phaggots

[teenage girl reading horoscope tweets]

“Scorpio’s drink water when they’re thirsty”

OMG THIS IS SO ME

@BigJDubz

Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult