“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
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Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing