*Aims for the moon*
*hits curb*

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San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible


1900: Let’s filter coffee.

1950: We need to filter cigarettes.

1970: We should really filter water.

2015: I want to filter my face.


SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!

PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:

SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.


Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad


A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills


i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”

i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”

he ain’t laugh


It’s cool to jump out of bed and realize you are already dressed to run to Walmart


I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.


[after wife gives birth]

wife: he has your eyes

me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby


The neighbor is having an open home

How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?