@StarksWeek

*Aims for the moon*
*hits curb*

You Might Also Like

@Brentweets

San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible

@3sunzzz

1900: Let’s filter coffee.

1950: We need to filter cigarettes.

1970: We should really filter water.

2015: I want to filter my face.

@AndrewNadeau0

SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!

PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:

SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.

@fro_vo

Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad

@House_Feminist

A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills

@97Vercetti

i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”

i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”

he ain’t laugh

@1MeLrO

It’s cool to jump out of bed and realize you are already dressed to run to Walmart

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.

@GoodZiIIa

[after wife gives birth]

wife: he has your eyes

me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby

@Smooheed

The neighbor is having an open home

How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?