Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
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Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Me: Let鈥檚 role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I鈥檒l be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you鈥檙e planning on just laying there, like always.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You鈥檒l see it when you鈥檙e pooping
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
I don鈥檛 get vegetables on my pizza because I don鈥檛 like mixing business with pleasure
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
and that鈥檚 why I鈥檓 fat馃き
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
*catching up with an old friend* So how鈥檚 your gut fauna?
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.