@Surhailo

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.

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@TheLeslieMommy

Old lady across from me in ER waiting room just asked me, “So are you sick?”

No, I’m just here for the free CNN.

@XplodingUnicorn

My 4-year-old sang in church for the first time.

So what if it was the wrong song?

There’s never a bad time for “We Will Rock You.”

@Sassafrantz

I don’t want to seem desperate after a date so I usually text him 10 years later when he has a wife and kids.

@Laser_Cat

If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.

@truegritrumble

ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.

GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.

ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?

PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!

@chris_witha_see

That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years

@hermanntrude

Forest fires are caused by dragons accidentally sneezing near a tree.

They’re very embarrassed about it and that’s why we never see them

@stephenjmolloy

Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”

Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”

@heatherlou_

“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.

@AGreaterMonster

This is serious as a heart attack but not one of those funny heart attacks. Those make me laugh.