Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.

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Old lady across from me in ER waiting room just asked me, “So are you sick?”

No, I’m just here for the free CNN.


My 4-year-old sang in church for the first time.

So what if it was the wrong song?

There’s never a bad time for “We Will Rock You.”


I don’t want to seem desperate after a date so I usually text him 10 years later when he has a wife and kids.


If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.


ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.

GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.


PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!


That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years


Forest fires are caused by dragons accidentally sneezing near a tree.

They’re very embarrassed about it and that’s why we never see them


Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”

Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”


“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.


This is serious as a heart attack but not one of those funny heart attacks. Those make me laugh.