Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
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Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this