Old lady across from me in ER waiting room just asked me, “So are you sick?”
No, I’m just here for the free CNN.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
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My 4-year-old sang in church for the first time.
So what if it was the wrong song?
There’s never a bad time for “We Will Rock You.”
I don’t want to seem desperate after a date so I usually text him 10 years later when he has a wife and kids.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Forest fires are caused by dragons accidentally sneezing near a tree.
They’re very embarrassed about it and that’s why we never see them
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
This is serious as a heart attack but not one of those funny heart attacks. Those make me laugh.