Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
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anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.