@VanVeenB

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone…..

or sandwiches….

Ain’t no sandwiches either.

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@Tmoney68

Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.

@SoNotBrendan

Apple and Puma have developed smart track pants, they’re called iPumaPants.

@VisionBored1

When I was 15 I forgot to do my math homework so I ripped the pages I was supposed to do out of my textbook and told my teacher I couldn’t do it bc the pages were missing and tbh that’s still how I try to solve most of my problems as an adult

@IamJackBoot

I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats

@DBMaxP

Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.

@TuffyNyC

Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.

@NeilReal

Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!

@iwearaonesie

wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: [trying to be smooth] Did it hurt?

Her: Excuse me?

Me: When you fell from heaven?

Her: Dude, I’m just here to get my kids from school, like all these other parents.

Me: I may have misunderstood the term “pickup line.”