Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone…..
Ain’t no sandwiches either.
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Apple and Puma have developed smart track pants, they’re called iPumaPants.
Not sure if my cooking skills have improved or taste buds have adapted.
When I was 15 I forgot to do my math homework so I ripped the pages I was supposed to do out of my textbook and told my teacher I couldn’t do it bc the pages were missing and tbh that’s still how I try to solve most of my problems as an adult
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Me: [trying to be smooth] Did it hurt?
Her: Excuse me?
Me: When you fell from heaven?
Her: Dude, I’m just here to get my kids from school, like all these other parents.
Me: I may have misunderstood the term “pickup line.”