The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
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Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
How I like cutting carbs
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water