14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
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*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
when u come home smelling like another dog
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever