I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
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i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
I’m giving up for Lent.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
this isn’t threatening at all
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this