@funnybrad

Air Bud seems like a great movie, until you realize some poor kid was cut from the team to make room on the roster for a golden retriever

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@Marlebean

Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it

@dumbbeezie

I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now

@madicrews8

Me:

My dad:

Me:

My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil

@Ilikerockme

I don’t have daddy issues.
I’m British.
I have *father* issues.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]

cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children

@harriweinreb

You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed

@woodmuffin

“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why

@TheTweetOfGod

When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.

@SirEviscerate

CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.