Air Bud seems like a great movie, until you realize some poor kid was cut from the team to make room on the roster for a golden retriever

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Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it


I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now



My dad:


My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil


I don’t have daddy issues.
I’m British.
I have *father* issues.


[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]

cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children


You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed


“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why


When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.


CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.