Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.

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When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.


*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.


Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us


Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.


My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16


[Father’s Day]

ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…

DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!


I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.


The best answer to an American Apparel salesperson asking you if you’re looking for anything specific is, “the bottom half of a shirt.”


You can tuck a carrot into bed , but it won’t know what you are doing because he’s a carrot