@iRowlf

Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.

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@Adar79Angie

When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.

@JessObsess

*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.

@Spaziotwat

Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us

@jordan_stratton

Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.

@Loli_Sug

My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16

@panmidwest

[Father’s Day]

ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…

DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!

@junejuly12

I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.

@jenstatsky

The best answer to an American Apparel salesperson asking you if you’re looking for anything specific is, “the bottom half of a shirt.”

@RealCarrotFacts

You can tuck a carrot into bed , but it won’t know what you are doing because he’s a carrot