Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
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Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
I will never stop laughing at this
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.