Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
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t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
😅😅😅
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.