* thinks of a tweet before falling asleep
* decided to remember a “key word* so I can remember it
* wakes up
* forgot key word
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
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Me: ruin me for other men
*Two kids later*
Me: not like that
The toughest part of a job interview is finding the exact right moment to go in for the kiss.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Me: Write it down.