@shutupmikeginn

air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.

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@noneofyours99

* thinks of a tweet before falling asleep

* decided to remember a “key word* so I can remember it

* wakes up

* forgot key word

@BackrowSeats

The toughest part of a job interview is finding the exact right moment to go in for the kiss.

@elle91

[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.

@DurtMcHurtt

For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.

@QwertyJones3

Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.

@ch000ch

hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her

@WheelTod

Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.

@kv8

Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.

@EyalAlony

Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?

Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.

Hostess:

Me: Write it down.