air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.

You Might Also Like


* thinks of a tweet before falling asleep

* decided to remember a “key word* so I can remember it

* wakes up

* forgot key word


The toughest part of a job interview is finding the exact right moment to go in for the kiss.


[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.


For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.


Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.


hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her


Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.


Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.


Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?

Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.


Me: Write it down.