air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
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Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Every photo I’m tagged in
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.