@ArfMeasures

AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u

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@david8hughes

[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.

@ShawnGarrett

Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.

@ArfMeasures

[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?

Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags

Cop: um we put them on

Me: Another good theory

@BritXNic

Don’t mind me. Just over here shaking my phone like a Magic 8-Ball, trying to get the screen to rotate back.

@TragicAllyHere

*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE

@Parkerlawyer

An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.

You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.

@scrueggs

If you’re currently suffering from paranoia I want you to know that you’re not alone.

You’re never alone.

Ever.

@Gupton68

me: I call shotgun

shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep

@TheMichaelRock

It’s sad that we live in a world where we’ll add a word to the dictionary if stupid people use it enough.