Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
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These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?