Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
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YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.