[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
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Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
I feel it
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS