OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
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A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
My fire alarm just went off because I took my shower. Ya, I know I’m hot when I’m naked, but come on now, let’s all just calm down.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.