@BlindChow

[aircraft carrier]

*paints a T on the helipad*

Captain: No it has to have an H

Me: Why?

*train sounds approaching*

Captain: Oh dear god

You Might Also Like

@lazerdoov

OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE

@13spencer

A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.

@Mellicubed

My fire alarm just went off because I took my shower. Ya, I know I’m hot when I’m naked, but come on now, let’s all just calm down.

@ddsmidt

No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.

@ParentNormal

I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.

@TheToddWilliams

“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”

MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China

@trevso_electric

Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.