[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
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her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.