airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
You Might Also Like
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no