Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
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I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Eat…
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Name this drama.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.