airline: will you be checking your bags, sir

me: again? I did that three times at home

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When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a “mean drunk” or a “happy drunk.” Gets me out of it every time.


I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.


Peanut butter and jelly are so in love with each other that all they do is lay around in bread all day.


Sea cucumbers are actually animals, so regular cucumbers are either lying or they need to step their game up.


High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.


Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy