@FredTaming

airline: will you be checking your bags, sir

me: again? I did that three times at home

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@ColoChiver

When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a “mean drunk” or a “happy drunk.” Gets me out of it every time.

@stockejock

I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.

@JermHimselfish

Peanut butter and jelly are so in love with each other that all they do is lay around in bread all day.

@PastorBate

Sea cucumbers are actually animals, so regular cucumbers are either lying or they need to step their game up.

@TheCatWhisprer

High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.

@dumbbeezie

Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy