Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
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*takes 5 more shots*
me to an ex: wyd
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
LIES! STOP THE LIES!
-My reply to my husband whenever he tells me he’s gonna “repair that”.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
I react to the phrase “open bar” the way my dog reacts to everything
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)