@MelsLien

Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane

Airlines: $16 for bag of chips

Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75

Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for

Airlines:

Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies

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@RL_blahneh

*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd

@junejuly12

Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.

@Shen_the_Bird

[first day at mcdonalds]

guy: can i get a large fry

me: you mean like a potato

@bingowings14

My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.

@amazymay72x

LIES! STOP THE LIES!

-My reply to my husband whenever he tells me he’s gonna “repair that”.

@justmiche74

*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*

*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*

@TGIJeff

I react to the phrase “open bar” the way my dog reacts to everything

@XplodingUnicorn

3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!

Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.

3: *realizes growing up was a trap*

@UncleDuke1969

I’m not embarrassed.

I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.

(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)