Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
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people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
fixed it
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Breaking news:
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.