Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
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Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
The pen is writier than the sword.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
🏙👨🏼
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂